One of the hardest questions for a divorcing mother to answer is whether it is better to wait for the kids to grow up before proceeding with divorce. This is tough. It’s so tough!
So, what’s the answer?
Is divorce an “if” or a “when”?
Like everything in divorce, it depends on a lot of things. I have come to believe it mostly depends on whether divorce is inevitable. If divorce is not inevitable—or isn’t the answer right now anyway—then there’s a chance, no matter how shaky, for the relationship to evolve and go the distance.
But if divorce is inevitable…
Give yourself permission to breathe…
…and to do it.
Divorce is going to have a major impact on children no matter when it happens. Divorce impacts adult children, too. This impact doesn’t have to be the end of the world. It is important to remember that.
One relatively easy litmus test is whether it is more toxic for the children to be in the married home than it would be for them to bridge two separate households. If the latter, then it can be easier (allowing that nothing in divorce is easy) to conclude that divorce today is the answer.
But what if the answer isn’t clear? What if you think life will be better for everyone if they can tolerate the status quo only another five or ten years?
Take a second deep breath and relax
Your kids are stronger than you think. They are among the most resilient creatures on earth. Without question, major changes will be hard for them, but there might be some (relatively) welcome changes as well.
This is what I want you to hear:
If divorce is inevitable, whether it happens today or ten years from now, there is a lot to be said for creating a new normal while your children still live with you. Your children may even thank you.
Something old and something new
When you divorce while your children are minors, you give them the opportunity to enter the new life, to feel their way into what it’s all about, and shape that life with you, while you are still part of their daily experience.
Your kids will have the chance to get used to this new “normal” with mom, and that new “normal” with dad, at a time when they can play a part in building those “normals.” They will reach a new footing with each parent, and help set the terms of these new-ish relationships in ways they likely wouldn’t be able to once grown.
Close your eyes, and picture this
Take a minute to imagine yourself as a divorcing mother of older children who have left for college. Think about how often they come home, how long they stay, and what kind of home they return to. In the case of divorce, it may not be the same bedroom in the same home they grew up in, and it definitely won’t be the same family structure they left. Perhaps the first time they see their dad, post-divorce, he lives in a condo with a girlfriend. Maybe you have a new relationship yourself.
You will have them either way, and they will have you either way. There is no right answer, and families adapt in infinite ways.
Finally, ask
It’s okay to need validation. If, even after considering the point of view in this post, you’re drowning in uncertainty, fear, apology, or guilt, seek comfort from the women in your life. Somewhere in your Orbit, there is a woman who has gone before you—who faced this question years ago and wound up divorced despite her misgivings. How did it turn out for her and her children?
The odds are overwhelming that you will take comfort in what she has to say.
If you don’t know someone to ask, we will find you that person. Heck, I am that person, and I will be happy to talk to you. Consider joining our community to find reassurance and insight in a diversity of female voices.
Yet another exercise in perspective
Remember, bringing the inevitable divorce to a head at a time when children are still home gives them a real chance at adjusting in a natural, comprehensible, organic way.
Of all the things that may be weighing you down right now, see if you can let this one go.
Remember the white horse.
And if you can’t shake the uncertainty, we are here for you.
