When it comes to dating after divorce, studies show that men move on faster than women. There is little correlation between speed of bounce-back and long-term happiness, so it is also true that men who forge new relationships right away do not necessarily end up fulfilled in the long run. But you should be prepared for the possibility that he will appear to have moved on in short order.
How should you feel about this?
He doesn’t really want her, he wants that car
There are many ways to look at it. We can start by acknowledging that every divorce is unique. If anyone can show me a garden-variety divorce, I would love to see it! We can also agree that this post will not resonate with every woman in every situation. But I bet it will help many of you.
Men are funny. They are especially funny in midlife. Following my own divorce, my ex got a boat, two motorcycles, a fast car, and a girlfriend, not necessarily in that order. I’m not going to tell you what I did on my side of things because whatever you may have heard, I neither admit nor deny.
The magic word
Whether the divorce was your idea or his, whether you are divorcing in midlife or in your 20s, whether your ex is a narcissist or what passes for a “normal” human being, hold this fact in mind:
Every single emotion you feel, and every single experience you have, comes down to perspective.
Perspective.
I wish I could say that 50 times, but you might wonder if I had a stroke at my keyboard.
And a fancy word I throw around because I can
There is little that makes me cringe more than the words “your truth” or “my truth” (okay, fine, I’m quick to cringe) because I’m just not that person. Truth is truth—it is my belief the word they want is “perspective.” You live your perspective; I live mine.
This is really, really important because there is agency in perspective.
What do I mean by agency? I mean the ability to steer the car. Few of us have agency over truth because we cannot even identify it. Truth cannot easily be grasped in contexts outside of math and science because we perceive it through the lens of our reality—in other words, through our perspective.
Believe it or not, we have a say in that perspective!
Make sure what he reads is super spicy
How would you like to experience your ex-spouse moving on? Are you angry that he bought a boat? Resentful that he hits the bars like he’s fresh out of college? Is the fact that he has a new girlfriend proof that he was a douche-bucket all along? Do all of these things make him a bad person or an unstable father?
No, no, and no. However many no’s—just no.
He probably thinks my your hair extensions are a little silly, too. And you’d better believe he doesn’t want to know you’re on Tinder or Bumble. He’s reading into everything you do just as you read into him. (I promise this is true even if you hate each other.)
Scratch that—who really cares
You are going to read things differently. For your sanity, and your happiness, this is how I want you to shape your perspective….
Choose to be happy for him.
Why would you say that!? My ex is a jerk!
It doesn’t matter if he’s a jerk or if he’s a great guy. You can be happy for him either way. And you will—because his happiness is your happiness.
HIS HAPPINESS IS YOUR HAPPINESS.
Perspective
(I do feel like I’m stroking out a bit.)
The happier your ex is, the less likely he is to engage in post-separation abuse in any of its insidious forms. He is less likely to call you in anger. He is less likely to bombard you with emotional texts late at night while doing finances. He is less likely to blame you for all the ills in his life the minute he wakes up every morning.
I’m not saying these things go away or that they are not possible. They are just less likely when your ex is happy.
If not for you, then for the kids, which is really for you…wait a minute
The same goes for couples with children. When nothing is going right in your ex’s life, and your kids go off to see him for the week, he is more likely to be in a bad mood (at best) or badmouth you (at worst). On the flip side, when he feels that his life is on an upswing, the kids will have more fun with him and he will spend less time biting back bitterness over you.
A happy ex means happy kids. Happy kids mean a happy mom. Therefore, a happy ex means a happy mom. (The transitive property is the only thing I remember from grades K-12.)
A happiness smorgasbord
Maybe you doubt that “happy” is the right word. “Peaceful” works equally well. You will feel more peace, and less disturbance, when your ex is taking care of himself and his needs in his way in his time.
Go do the same for yourself. Work on developing this perspective and making it your own. Try it on for size: Watch how his “successes” impact his mood. Watch how that impacts your children’s moods when they are home with you. Watch your texts, or Our Family Wizard, or your voicemail’s LED light, and see if you notice any changes.
His happiness is your happiness. His happiness is your peace. And you are well within your rights to go and seek your own successes in your own way at your own time, at the same time.
That’s a double, triple, quadruple dose of happiness! How about that?
