Whether you know you are heading for divorce, or you suspect it’s a real possibility, here are the things you need to do now.
(No pictures today, folks. Scary topics call for serious formatting.)
Often, we fail to protect ourselves. We don’t have a crystal ball, so after events have unfolded we regret that we didn’t do X or Y—if only we had known. The dissolution of a marriage or long-term partnership where assets and liabilities have become intertwined, especially but not only when children are involved, has meaningful and far-reaching consequences.
It is critical to try to get things right. This doesn’t mean we won’t make mistakes, but it does mean we can identify some common patterns and take steps now to minimize potential fallout from foreseeable events and behaviors.
1. Secure important documents.
“I came home one day, and both the kids and their passports were gone.” ~ Tonya*
I may roll my eyes at paranoia, but sometimes (often) I eat a little crow. Paranoia is a survival mechanism for a reason: people do not always behave the way you want them to, or make the choices you believe you would make under similar circumstances. A lot of times, they’re jerks. Other times, they act out of desperation, reacting to the same stressors you feel.
Your job is to make sure that unpredictable people don’t have the tools to make BIG mistakes that cause you or your loved ones real harm. Secretly taking the kids out of state or, worse, overseas? Not cool. Moving money or hiding assets? Not cool. Taking out credit cards or loans in your name? Fraudulent; also, not cool.
Know where the passports are. Keep important documents like passports and birth certificates and social security cards and safety deposit box keys in a safe place. At a minimum, make copies of anything you can.
Download or print important financial or computer spreadsheets you have access to that you will want in the future. Most financial records are required to be shared during the course of divorce proceedings, but you want to have a handle on them now, to be certain you have the full picture. Figure out what those are, and secure them in a way that makes you feel safe.
2. Inventory your things.
“While I was at work, he held a garage sale, sold all my belongings, and turned our home over to renters. ~ Claire
There’s a reason women are better off without some of these guys. This actually happened.
Taking stock of the items in your house doesn’t have to be excruciating or hours of work—just take pictures. Capture all the floors, walls, drawers, cabinets, and the garage with your phone. You can always zoom in later to identify specific objects. Do this with important file folder contents as well.
This is a smart idea in general: imagine if there was a fire and you couldn’t remember all the things in your house. It’s a good idea to have some sense of what you have, or at the very least a photographic context to jog your memory of smaller things, tucked in a book or a box or behind a vase, for example.
Upload these photos to a computer or device, so that you have a date in case questions arise as to when the photos were snapped.
3. Don’t change your spending unless you have to.
“I was so afraid for my future that I tightened my belt on EVERYTHING. He used it to demonstrate to the judge how little the kids and I needed to live on.” ~Sarah
This item is directed at women in a position to receive spousal maintenance (also known as alimony).
To start, I’m not saying to go hog wild. I am also not saying you don’t need to learn budgeting or how to be smart about the way that you spend.
Divorce can be costly, especially if lawyers get substantially involved, and that money has to come from somewhere. Make sure that you have what you need to get to the other side. But—you should also be mindful of the flip side.
The court will look back on these months to determine your monthly cost of living. If you can afford to, spend today in the same way you have needed to up until now, and the same way you will need to after your divorce.
For example, now is not the time to forego the kids’ haircuts and swap out fresh produce for canned beans and rice. If you are scraping by because you can stand it for six months (and six months only), but it would be a horrible way to live for six years, don’t do it.
A typical rule of thumb is that recipients of spousal support are entitled to maintain the standard of living to which they were accustomed in the marriage (assuming the breadwinner can sustain that post-divorce). If that is the rule where you live, and if you aren’t on the brink of financial trouble, now is not the time to present a dramatically false picture of your standard of living.
Be smart, but keep it real.
4. Try not to take a girls’ trip.
“When I tried to make the judge see how neglectful he was around the kids, my ex ‘proved’ my trust in him by bringing up the one time I went on a girls’ trip to essentially avoid a nervous breakdown.” ~Nicole
Ugh. This one really chaps me, but here it is:
If you have young kids, and you leave them to go off and play, you are sending a message that they will be fine without you. If you leave them with their dad, you are sending the specific message that they are in good hands with their dad.
This may not be a problem if you and your spouse are on good terms, have an amicable or uncontested (agreed) divorce, and he is a great father. But uncontested divorces can turn on a dime and become huge fights over parenting time. And your spouse may not fit that description anyway.
Never will there be a time you will more want to get away than in the middle of protracted and painful separation proceedings. You will be crawling out of your skin. It is particularly stressful when you need to be there for your kids and you just don’t feel you have the bandwidth.
Be aware that your actions may have consequences in a parenting dispute, particularly if you need to persuade the court that the other parent shouldn’t have much time with them. (I hope you only take that stance if it truly is best for the kids. Absent exceptional circumstances, kids thrive when they maintain strong ties with both parents, and when the kids thrive, everyone thrives. Trust me. Unhappy kids = unhappy dad = unhappy you. It’s a karmic wonder.)
5. Don’t text anything you wouldn’t say in front of a judge.
“He kept literally ALL of my text messages. Not only were there days I texted him over 50 times (which he called “harrassment”), only because he was not responding when he had the kids, but the things I wrote looked pretty unhinged in hindsight and out of context. Also, if you didn’t know the asshole.” ~ CeCe
Text, voice mail, angry graffiti scrawl on his front door in the middle of the night…it’s important to watch what you write. If it can be saved or photographed or otherwise recorded, it can be presented to the court.
When you are arguing for custody of four minor children, you really don’t want to look crazy. (We may all have a place under the crazy tent, but most good parents can pass for normal in a pinch.)
Imagine the judge perched on your shoulder in a little black robe, peering over her readers at every word you write and every 20th text that you send, and dialing up her hearing aid at each word you scream into his voicemail…
…and don’t.
6. Do get help where needed.
“I asked my laywer if my husband could use it against me that I take antidepressants. I’m really glad I asked that question!” ~Tricia
Guess what? Judges don’t frown on people with problems; they frown on people with problems who aren’t doing anything about them. Read that again:
Judges don’t frown on people with problems; they frown on people with problems who aren’t doing anything about them.
If your husband is an addict who doesn’t think he has a problem and you are a perimenopausal mom taking a cocktail of meds to get through the day, you are most likely in the driver’s seat. (But, you know, bless those kids.) You don’t want the kids to suffer fallout from your mental health challenges, and you’re taking steps to ensure that won’t happen.
That’s not only commendable but potentially critical to getting you through this time in one piece. Continue to take care of yourself, and don’t sweat too much that it will come back to bite you.
Above all, remember those four words:
*I never use real names on this site, with the exception of testimonials and other instances of express permission. These quotes represent true stories that were told by the speaker either directly to me or to a professional I trust; I made up the names, per usual.
