NEVER WAIT

Waiting will make your divorce worse

It is true that divorce takes time. Even in an uncontested, DIY divorce with no attorney involvement, you are unlikely to get your final order for 30 to 60 days, and that is fast. A more typical divorce lasts a minimum of several months. Many cases go on for 1 to 2 years. Some complicated, hostile divorces go on much longer (but that will not be you).

A heavy dose of reality

A reasonable expectation in most states is that your contested divorce will take 6 to 18 months and cost a minimum of $10,000-$30,000. Depending on the direction your case goes as it develops, that number could rise to $50,000-$100,000. Unfortunately, there is no such thing as a typical divorce, or I would give you the straight answer.

Some factors will be beyond your control. These might include whether to get divorced in the first place, whether your spouse will see things the way you do, whether he will agree to your suggestions or proposals or demands, whether you will have an efficient court calendar, whether you will get an active judge or a more hands-off judge…the list goes on.

And the lightness of hope

You 100% can control whether you wait.

If you are stuck living with your spouse because you don’t have alternatives, start to develop your life outside the house. Reconnect with your friends. Make plans to energize yourself socially. Take a class. Get some job training. Actively prepare for a successful divorce process. Learn meditation. Gather ideas from our community.

Start forging or strengthening your one-on-one relationship with each child now. You may not always be able to present a united front with your ex-spouse to your children. Start firming up those single-parent bonds now, for your sake and theirs. Support your husband if you find him doing the same.

Sage advice from Annie’s mom

If you feel that changing your physical self in some way will determine your confidence and sociableness when you emerge from divorce, start making that change now. Time will march on whatever you do. If your divorce looks likely to end in April, and you need three months to feel better about yourself so that you can enjoy a girls’ night out, visit a long-lost friend, or take your kids on an active adventure, start three months before April. Gear up in January. You’ll be ready to avail yourself of those opportunities and distractions when your divorce is finalized.

Remember: July is coming no matter what. The only difference is what you will feel like when it gets here.

The “work/home/work/rinse/repeat” shuffle

If you know you will have to go back to work, and you feel rusty or unqualified after years away from the workplace, don’t wait to beef up your knowledge base, training, and confidence. Start now. If you need it, see if you can seek a small loan. You’re going to be the kind of woman who bets on herself.

If you will need childcare that you have not had before now, start your search. Gather intelligence from your friends or other parents at school who have been where you will be. Ask them where to find help, what you should be looking for, and how much you should expect to pay. Put yourself in a position to pull that trigger when the time calls for that as well.

It never hurts to emphasize the obvious

Who is going to move out? Will it be you? Where will you go? Start to plan now. Determine who you can stay with, or visit apartments and identify places you might like to rent. If your husband is dragging his feet on leaving, maybe you want to do that for him.

Do not let your daughter live in this box. If you have children, keep in mind that the court will probably want to hear at some point that they have appropriate living arrangements. Don’t get a one-bedroom apartment if you have three kids.

The all-important separate account

Start building a separate bank account. In most cases, the majority of the money you and your spouse have will be considered marital (jointly owned). Moving $5,000 from your joint account into a separate account in your name will not change the joint nature of that $5,000, but unless there’s a law on the state books, you should still be able to move it. There are a couple of things you can do.

First, maybe you and your spouse can agree to each take out the same amount of money for individual needs as you press ahead. If that doesn’t work, try putting 50% of the $5,000 into a checking account for you and the other 50% into a savings account you know you won’t touch. Then hurry to a lawyer and confirm that you can go ahead and use it all if you need it.

What do I put in there?

In that checking account of yours, you are going to keep your money and only your money (in other words, 100% of the money you moved or 50%, depending on the advice of your friendly neighborhood lawyer). Here you can add gifts from family or other supporters. Note: If you do receive a gift, make sure the giver indicates clearly and in writing that it is a gift for you only, and be aware that the court may still view this as marital money. Ask a local lawyer whether it is better to make the would-be gift a loan (assuming that divorce has been filed) and the best way to do it so that it doesn’t become property in your divorce.

Do not assume that you can go and get a second job at Starbucks right now and keep all that money as your own. In some states it might not work.

No money and no lawyer?

In states such as my own (Illinois), if you don’t make any money and don’t have access to marital funds, you can petition the court to order your spouse (assuming he has money) to pay your attorney’s fees. Everything is going to be considered part of the marital pot at the end of the road anyway, so this is not actually a long-term edge for you in financial terms. It will, however, give you the practical cash flow you need to hire representation for yourself in the divorce.

Get the financial information gathering over with

If you know you will have to provide financial information (meaning that your divorce is contested), even if you have not yet been asked, start to hunt that information down. See if you can hop on the computer, especially before you split households, and determine the identity and nature of any joint accounts. Pull bank statements. Pull credit card statements. Use a resource like DivorceNet or NOLO to find out how far your state will want you to go back.

Retirement accounts and pensions are going to be a pain in the butt. Get a head start on that. Create a spreadsheet of amounts, locations, passwords, and ownership. Track down your vehicle title and look up the Kelly Blue Book value. Get ahold of any property deeds and mortgage documents. Any asset, debt, income, or other financial information you can think of, start to organize it now. This is especially important for physical items, such as gold coins or items in a home safe or bank deposit box, that may be removed by your spouse or someone else at any time.