This is a difficult topic for me. I truly believed until my mid-40s that I had at least some elementary level of control in every area of my life.
Unfortunately, I occasionally pay attention to people who actually know what they’re talking about (psychology schmycology). Turns out, there are two types of people in the world: those who believe they have control over events in their lives and what happens to them (“internal locus of control”), and those who believe those same events and forces are determined by outside forces (“external locus of control”).
I don’t even understand that latter group of people, but they must be really, really happy.
The first time I realized something was 100% out of my hands
My divorce was not mutual. Don’t get me wrong—the breakdown of the marriage was a cooperative effort (or lack thereof), with plenty of accountability to go around. We both participated in it; we both realized it; we both felt the pain and horror of what was happening. But the decision to divorce was not mine.
I wish it had been ours, at least.
If you say black, I instantly say white
The truth was, we both knew divorce had become inevitable, “someday.” We had reached the point where we took contrary positions to each other just for the sake of disagreement. I’ll never forget standing in my kitchen when he told me he knew I would want to travel the world in retirement—and that he didn’t want to go anywhere.
Whaaaaat…..
I knew in that moment that my marriage was definitively over—which was what he had been trying to get me to see. What I didn’t realize until later was that the refusal to agree on anything was only a symptom of the place where we were.
A tiny disagreement about word definitions
My ex-husband most definitely does want to go places—he loves new experiences, he’s smart, he’s curious, he’s super-active, and he likes to travel. It wasn’t even that he didn’t want to go with me; he just didn’t want have anything in common with me any longer.
In that, we were equally culpable.
To me, “someday” meant someday, and to him “someday” meant right now.
The first big shock of my life…
He told me he wanted a divorce, and I fought it. That internal locus of control is STRONG. Kryptonite strong. Ryan Gosling mojo level strong.
The key sticking point was whether we should stay together until our kids left home. (Incidentally, I believe he turned out to be right about that, and I was…um…wrong.)
That was the first time since being yanked violently from the womb that I was forced to confront the unthinkable: I could not control the direction of my life.
I was getting divorced—whether I wanted to or not.
…followed by the second
A year after our divorce, I had another horrible realization.
It hit me that there was a second enormous area of my life that I had zero say in. My ex had a steady girlfriend, and she and her kids were spending a good deal of time around ours. For what it’s worth (nothing), I liked her a lot. The ex has had two significant girlfriends in the years since we divorced, and I have liked both of them.
(Secret: The current one is actually someone I wish were my best friend and not his, but let’s assume he would think that was awkward.)
What if he married this person?
I realized he could marry anyone! At any time! Of his choosing!
And that THAT PERSON would be my children’s STEPMOTHER!
There would be someone living in a house with my children, having authority over my children, participating in their daily lives, influencing them, creating emotional bonds with them, celebrating life’s victories and (hopefully) holding hands through life tragedies…
And I would have no say whatsoever in who that person was.
But if life gives you lightning…
Those two apocalyptic moments stand out in my mind like they happened this morning (except that with my ADHD I’ve forgotten what happened this morning, so that is probably a poor analogy).
They will happen to you too. Maybe not the same ones, but divorce has a habit of delivering gifts like this.
Did I say “gifts”?
“Make lightning-ade”? Honey, please
If you hold onto the illusion of control, as I do, even if at a deeply subconscious level, then the forced realization that there are going to be times in your life that you simply don’t have it, is horrifying a gift.
Truth is a gift.
So, what do we do with those moments?
What do we do with the moment where we deeply, deeply care about something—like the happiness and welfare of our children—and we don’t have a say in it at all?
♦. ♦. ♦
We let go.
Control what you can, and do your best to influence the rest
For those of you who are religious, you can also throw faith into that equation.
My children have thrived under both girlfriends. I have a theory about something that plays a large part in that, and you can read about it here.
But I didn’t disappear from their lives—I was there with them every step of the way. I couldn’t control the direction our family would take, but I could play a part in the outcome in my own way.
Even more importantly, I didn’t really have to…
I just had to have some faith.
And a Cindy.
And this belief.
That’s all you need, too.
